This year I decided not to make any new years resolutions or goals. I just want to live and enjoy life. 2016 was a tough year for me personally. I didn't talk about it much here but I really struggled with parenting this year. I found the second year of parenting two kids with a 1 year old and 2.5 year old so much harder than the infant days of two under two. It was much more emotionally draining for me than I imagined it would be and I felt like they pushed me to my limit everyday. Kyle traveled a lot last year leaving me solo parenting 80% of the time and trying to work through it on my own. I should have been asking for help, but I wasn't. Asking for help is not something I'm good at and I'm slowly learning it's ok to give up control.
I also struggled with my identity as mom and a person. I wondered if since I was so unhappy being a stay at home mom maybe it was time for me to go back to work. Yet at the same time I didn't really know what I would do if I went back to work or how we would make it work for our family. I was constantly stressed out, exhausted, and cranky.
At the same time I found myself getting caught up in the other side of blogging- money, tracking stats, posting only the good pretty parts and I became a little obsessive. When I was feeling very frustrated with the kids and lost about my identity I thought maybe I could pursue blogging full time but posting started to become something I felt like that had to do rather than something I enjoyed. I would spend so much time stressing over it. I would stay up too late working on a post or stick my kids in front of the tv to edit and perfect an Instagram photo and then feel like a horrible mom.
I decided in September I would put the blog on the back burner and focus on my family and figuring myself out. Hence why I've been so sporadic over the last few months.
Taking a step back from it all has really been what I needed. I had to remind myself that my first job is a mother and that everything else comes second to that, including this little blog. I also learned that I like this blog for what it is, a hobby, a fun outlet, a place for me to tell stories and share with you all. I don't want to turn it into a business and blog for other people. I want to blog for me and about what I want.
Right around November things with the kids started to get much easier too, it's as if the fog was lifting off me and I could breathe again. I can't really pinpoint exactly what it was. Maybe Matthew turning two. Miller finally reaching an age where I could (occasionally) reason with him. Kyle's travel schedule majorly easing up so he could help around the house more. I started to feel more in control and less out of control. I thought our move to the townhouse would be really hard for me but somehow I've found my clarity here. I don't know if it's the small space or having less stuff but I'm finally feeling calm. I don't know if it's because our renovations started so I know I'll be home soon in a finished house, that I'm never moving out of it! Maybe I feel like we'll finally be settled and I can relax. I don't really know. I'm not saying I'm 100% there and my kids do still stress me out at times but I'm yelling less and listening more. I'm finding I don't dread aspects of my day as much as I was before. I'm starting to find pieces of myself that I thought were gone and I'm slowly learning to balance my life as a mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend.
As for the blog. I'm sticking around and coming back here as much or as little as I want, and I'm not going to let it cause me stress. I will continue to share about my life, our house renovations, and my love of fashion and shopping ;). That's not going away anytime soon #retailtherapy I plan to bring back nap time confessions, day in the life, and parenting posts since I shied away from them last year.
If you made it to the end, thanks for sticking through that long rant and as always thanks to everyone who stops by my little piece of the internet. Here's to a great 2017 friends!
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