Real Talk: Being a Stay at Home Mom
I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. There I said it and to be honest I've said it about once a day for the past few months. The idea of going back to work has been floating around my head so much lately but I can't really pinpoint why I think I want to make this change. If you're new here or need a refresher you can read my post on deciding to stay home here.
Don't get me wrong I love my kids and I love spending time with them but I don't know if this job is for me. Lately I've been feeling like I'm missing something or I need something more in my life. Some days I find myself stressed out over the most ridiculous things. Some days I'm not sure I have it in me to save Sir topham hat from a burning building for the 100th time or play trucks in the dirt. Some days I just really want to use a bathroom by myself or eat a meal without sharing. Some days I just want to talk to another adult about anything other than kids. Some days I want to get dressed up and wear heels.
Then I start to think these things and talk about them and I start to feel so guilty. I start to feel guilty that I want to work. Guilty that I don't love every moment of every day. Guilty that I wish for alone time. Guilty because so many woman want to stay home and I'm not grateful enough. I thought Catholic guilt was bad but it has nothing on Mom guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
I also never realized how much of an identity I would lose by not working anymore. I didn't even have a crazy successful career but when people ask me what I do I sometimes don't feel good enough saying "oh I'm home with the kids". The first thing they usually ask me is "Do you think you'll go back to work? You want to go back right?" I never know what to say to this. What's the right answer? What answer do they want to hear so they don't judge my decision? I usually give a "oh I definitely think I'll go back I'm just not sure when yet" and I'm usually met with a "that's good" and the topic is changed and I'm left feeling slightly uncomfortable. Staying at home is not the norm where I live so I can't really tell what people think after I tell them this.
Lastly I feel so far removed from my working mom friends. I still love them but I feel like our lives are so different. I think some of them think I go to Starbucks and the mall everyday and gallivant around with my easy carefree life. Then I see their pictures on instagram having cocktails in NYC while I'm unshowered and covered in baby food and dirt and I think Wow your life is so glamorous and successful and I sulk while I drink my wine out of a plastic cup. But I know that's not the case because they might be putting on fake smiles and pretending to be having fun when they wish they could trade places with me.
The grass isn't always greener. I know that.
I'm hoping I can find some peace with my current situation or find an opportunity that I could make work with my family's situation. To be honest I don't know if I could leave my babies all day but at the same time getting to be just me for a few hours a day might be good for me and make me a better mom. I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is.
If you made it to the bottom way to go... sorry it's not the most cohesive post but I just had to get my thoughts down. Any other stay at home moms feel this way? Any working moms feel they are better moms with time away from their babies? Not trying to start and drama because being a mom is tough no matter what I just love to hear other perspectives on the issue.
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